When I grow up.

What did you want to be when you grow up? A better question, do you know anyone who actually became what they dreamed they would be?  Chances are good that most of us did not fill the roles of doctor, ballerina and firefighter.  The truth is that life sort of happens to us and we become what we have to in order to keep afloat.  At my earliest recollections, I wanted to be barbie so that I could wear the beautiful peach colored Barbie evening dress that I carried around with me everywhere.  And have a dream house.  And a corvette.  I still sort of want those things.  Gradually I started to realize that that would never happen so I chose the next logical option,  I would be a paleontologist.  Years passed and I got the leading role in a play and before you can bat an eye I knew that I was destined to life on the stage.  That ran its course and was replaced with a myriad of other professions.

Then I met this family.  A mother, a father and nine (at the time) children.  When I saw that there was such a job as a "stay at home" mom, a seed was planted.  I had no idea that people could do that.  All I knew of women that stayed home was taught to me from cable television and visions of Bon Bons and large pink hair rollers came to mind.  But here was this enormous family with a mom and dad who were fun and interesting and rebellious in the most intriguing, wholesome way.  At the time I was really intimidated by how polite, kind and real these people were but even when I was withdrawn from them I couldn't stop thinking about them.  Years passed and though I had moved to a different part of the state they were still constantly on my mind.  I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted what they had.

 I was seventeen when I realized that for all the big talk about what I was going to do after high school I really did not want any of it.  What I wanted more than anything else was to be a mom.  The kind that does not get a fancy title or wear pencil skirts and stilettos to work everyday.  I wanted to be an earthworm digging, play dough shaping, bread baking, fort making mom.  When I realized this I was standing in the little orchard that was on the side of our house and I stopped pruning the blackberry vines long enough to just soak in the revelation I just had.  Suddenly all of the SATs and the college applications and the "I'm going to get my masters in ..." dissolved and I was filled with relief and profound joy.  I dropped my pruning sheers and felt the most profound peace in such a tangible way that I knew it was from God.  The fog was rolled away.  I knew my calling.

Eleven years later I have three extraordinary boys and hope to have many more.  Granted, the details of my life are different than I wanted and expected.  Instead of living on acres of land in the country I live in an apartment in the city and instead of waking up early to feed the chickens I wake up and blog.  But the essentials are in tact.  I have taught my boys how to open the door for ladies and how to read.  I have taught them when to put the yeast into the bread dough and how to make a paper airplane.  That's really something.

 On days when I am overwhelmed by the screaming, teething baby on my hip and the sink full of dishes I sometimes allow my mind to wander to the what ifs.  What if I had called back that tv producer and taken the roll in that commercial, what if I pursued my writing and photography and went into journalism.  Images of a seamless me without stretch marks and nappy hair, doing interesting things come to mind and make me feel like I settled for less.  I begin to feel sorry for myself because I haven't showered in days and haven't seen another adult in just as long.  Poor me.  Then something amazing will happen.  Jack will take his first step or William will record minutes of silence on his music recorder and then entitle the song, "Ninja song."  Or I will overhear my oldest boy praying when he thinks no one is listening and thanking God for loving him so much.  That's when I remember why I chose this unglamorous and slightly invisible life.  As my dad would say, I am not here to raise children I am here to rear adults.  And that, good friends, is what I intend to do.

I guess what I am saying is that I am blessed to actually be doing what I had set out to do.  I really am.  I stuck to my guns and am really doing this thing.  But I know that there are far more people who are stuck in a job that they did not choose.  This is a tough world.   My very good friend Kristi once said that grown up life is mean.  She's right, life is no respecter or life goals or dreams.  So for those of us who chose our field of work and for those of us who did not, here is a little encouragement that gets me through the rough patches.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23